The Dog User’s Manual
A friend sent this to me and although it’s a little long, it is quite amusing to look at a dog’s ‘usage’ in computer ‘talk.’ Especially humorous to the computer geek dog owner… 🙂
User Installation & Maintenance Documentation
- User Friendly
- Energy Saving Standby Mode When Not In Use
- Self Portable Operation
- Dual Video
- Bi-directional Audio Input/Output port
- Primary and secondary output ports: high-speed serial port for streaming data and standard parallel port for data blocks.
- Autosearch Routines for Input Data
- Autosearch for Output
- WALK, RUN, and FETCH features.
- Instant Transition (<2 nanoseconds) Between Standby and Full Power Mode
- Manufactured by MOMDOG (Makers of Many DOGs)
- After initial PUP assembly, the unit undergoes six weeks of onsite ROM programming and burn-in testing. Listed features are installed during this period.
- Since MOMDOG uses local suppliers, there may be variations between units. MOMDOG’s quality assurance may reject inferior units. Users may sometimes salvage rejected units.
- Beware of Far East clones. These may violate import restrictions.
- A suitable transportation case should be used for transportation to the operating site. Failure to properly ship a DOG unit may result in loss or damage to the unit and serious injury to the user.
- Upon receiving the DOG unit, the user should examine the unit to verify that all I/O channels are operational. Look for minor bugs in or on the system. Bugs are indicative of the MOMDOG production environment. The user may manually remove any bugs.
- Bring the DOG to operation in an environment temperature at 20º C (± 3 º tolerance.) Use a quiet room with the primary user(s) present. Open the transportation case and let the DOG unit autoexit. A gentle pull may be necessary.
- Initialize the self-learning program find() by displaying the input bins. These should contain H2O (liquid state, room temperature, 99% purity) and dry energy pellets. Immediately afterwards, spread newspapers.
- If the user already has a DOG unit successfully installed, it may be possible to download BASIC routines from the old unit to the new unit. For the first day or two, DOG will stay in self-learning mode. When the learn buffer overflows, the DOG will autorun the sleep() routine. This is normal. The ROAM chips will write the new information to permanent memory. After 72 hours, the DOG will be interacting with the operating environment.
- If all basic environment requirements are satisfied, the DOG system will autodisplay WAG. This is normal. If environment requirements are not satisfied, the system may emit a low-level whine.
- DOG units are operational in all 3-D axis: standing, sitting, or laying down.
- The unit may be placed in direct sunlight.
- A new DOG should not solo exit the primary site facility. Full portability comes after extensive burn in. Some users never let the DOG unit solo exit the site. The advantages are cleaner operation, longer unit life, and fewer bugs. Contact with pirate DOG units may lead to unplanned BATCH iteration. Contact with untested DOGs may lead to bug infection. If allowed to exit, some DOG units may try to port across heavy data traffic. Nonrecoverable fatal errors may occur. However, in many instances, K9 units can autosearch independently. NASA used a modified K9 unit as its Mars ROVER.
- If you decide to let your DOG out, it should have a READ_ME.TXT file with a system address and URL which identifies the host site and system administrator.
- Your DOG should have a system name. The name may need to be initialized repeatedly until the system can read it correctly. This lets you issue voice commands to bring the unit to an online state. Many owners give their DOGs a secret password as well. Advanced system operators have successfully installed dozens of voice commands.
- You can also get the DOG’s attention by booting the system. While this is effective, it is discouraged. Too much booting will abuse the system.
In contrast to CAT units, there are many productivity applications for DOGs. Units are installed in home, home office, industrial, and farm settings. DOGs have been sent into space.
- GUARD: GUARD is a killer app. This is pre-installed. The DOG unit will auto-deploy BARK and BYTE routines. If three or more K9 units are activated, an unwanted, endless BARK feedback loop may occur.
- SEARCH: K9 units can search/find random data to find hits.
- SORT: The K9 can use SORT and GUARD to regulate SHEEP units.
- RUN: DOG units perform optimally in RUN mode. Subroutines include WALK, HEEL, and FETCH.
Many owners use their system for game playing. DOGs play best when they are young. Older units suffer a system timing decay which leads to reduced response and flexibility. Some DOG games are:
- CACHE: The DOG will CACHE a data object.
- JUMP: Move the data object through the air. The DOG unit will reach new heights of operation. This can be terminated with the voice command DOWN.
- MIRROR: Place the unit in front of a mirror and watch it attempt to parse itself. Some units may ESCape. Reboot the system by calling its name.
- CHASE: Played between two DOG units or with a CAT unit. Units take turns as one is the data object and the other attempts to CACHE it.
- SING: Offer audio data to elicit a range of audio output.
- DOGs will self-recharge. This takes 12 hours in a 24 hour cycle.
- DOGs require little user maintenance. Do not clean the unit with alcohol or benzine-based solvents. This may lead to a violent explosion.
- Your DOG unit should be taken once a year to a VET (Very Expensive Technician) for a system checkup.
- Do not attempt to open a DOG. There are no user serviceable parts inside. If a unit emits strange smells or sounds, it should be serviced immediately by a VET.
- You may examine the rear of the DOG unit to determine if it has a male or female scuzzy port. DOGs with a male port may result in unwanted copies. VET can remove this optional item. DOGs with female ports are plagued by periodic heating problems. VET can fix this permanently by removing an internal part. Such systems run UNIX.
- DOG systems are user-friendly. However, in certain documented situations, a DOG may pose a danger to the user. Repeated jamming or obstruction of I/O ports may lead to deployment of auto-defense systems. Do not pull its “tail.” DOG may BYTE.
- Never attempt a first strike on a DOG system. JANE’S FIGHTING K9s reports that a unit was detected by ham radio operators to be apparently moving at 500 mHz. You can’t outrun it. The VISEGRIP ™ byte device has an average seek rate (ASR) of 30 milliseconds. The manufacturer is not responsible for injuries to the user (Note from our attorneys: The Supreme Court issued a ruling in End-User vs DOG that can be summed up under the legal principle “Every DOG is allowed one BYTE.”)
- In dry, cold weather, a surface electrostatic charge may build up. To avoid electric shock, stand on an insulated surface.
- Do not operate the DOG above water. This may lead to end-user damage.
- As DOGs become older, the learn program will recognize all situations. You can’t program an old DOG new applications.
- DOGs like to have their own toys. They often have hobbies, such as CAT watching or digging holes.
- If you properly care for your DOG, it will give you years of loyal service.
- Many users get a second unit. Most users don’t need the extra capacity, but multiple units enable the ability to run complex games.
- DOG users can find other users and the DOG faq on the Usenet newsgroup rec.pets.dogs. DOG users should avoid religious wars with CAT users (subject headers may include CATHOLICs vs DOGMAs.)
- The Ctrl key on some DOG units is defective. This may lead to serious performance problems.
- Do not install a new CAT unit at a site which has an operational DOG unit. These systems are not compatible. The CAT unit may be erased permanently.
- Models = Main frame, desktop and laptop models (smallest footprint in the industry). Available in 11 inch, 17 inch, and 64 inch sizes.
- Interface = Touch sensitive interface for maximum user friendliness.
- Memory = Not much. Upgrades available real soon now.
- Expected Lifetime = 15 years ± 24 months.
- Weight = 3-70 kilograms without optional cables.
- Speed = 30 milliseconds search/find
- Color Graphics = Paper white, monochrome (black/white), 64 gray shades, or 16 million colors.
- Sound Chip = 2 octaves, digital MIDI output through internal woofer speakers.
- Power Consumption = 900 grams protein daily (2 micrograms per second.)
- Operating Range = -30º to +45º C (-22º to 105º)
- GROWLER Vibration = 5-500 Hz, one octave/min, dwell at all resonance points.
Contacting DOG Technical Support
- Our highly trained technicians are ready to help you as soon as they come back from their walk.
- Submit your DOG bug report, requests for enhancement (rfe), etc. Remember: it’s not a bug, it’s a flea. Don’t bother sending in your complaints: just like your DOG unit, our technicians won’t pay attention either.
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